I miss you as if a piece of myself had been torn out.

So I met someone on chatroulette. I’m a 17 years old girl from the Netherlands and I met someone, 5 months ago, on chatroulette.

It was around midnight and I just got back from my friends. I was feeling kind of upset and I didn’t know why. I couldn’t tell why. Just upset and I went home early.

I was home all by myself. My parents and sister were on holidays and my brother was in the house of his brother in law for a week.

So I got on chatroulette, as I did more often when I get bored. Just meeting new people, passing the army of wankers is another thing, but the meeting part is nice.

The person I met is called Ryan. Later he said to me: ‘What if you just clicked next? Things maybe wouldn’t be this difficult.’

I met him and his friend. The first thing I saw were two middlefingers of each person towards me. So I typed: ‘Oh thanks a lot :) I like you guys too!’
And they were like ‘oh no I’m sorry sorry, that was not for you!’ Of course I knew it was for some other kind of wanker.

Those two guys were drinking beer and wine and talked to me, and I answered typing because I felt awkward talking to my computerscreen in a silent room.

But later I put my microphone on and we had such funny talks, good conversations. They asked if I had snapchat, which I didn’t have at that time, but I made one for these guys to keep in contact and one added me on Facebook. That was Ryan.

Later I took one beer from the refrigerator and drank it with them, haha. It was a good night.

Then the connection failed, too bad, but luckily we got each other on Facebook.

So I started talking with Ryan on Facebook chat, and we did talk quite a lot.

We talked every day until I went on holidays for three weeks. My phone got stolen on the way to our destination. (I had a 21 hour trip on a coach.) Sometimes I checked my Facebook on the phone of a friend and saw he tried to start conversations. I had nearly forgotten him during my holidays. I had forgotten everyone. It was a nice holiday.
When I got home we talked and talked again. About nonsense and about serious stuff and feelings. We talked as friends, told each other what happened with some guy or girl.

Then he decided to visit Holland with a friend.

And I was like okay, cool! I’ll meet you there!

He didn’t even go to Amsterdam, no he came to Rotterdam, a city nearby my hometown.

One time we talked about spooning and how nice it is, but only the guy always gets the girl’s hair in his face. And I told him that’s not true, I can spoon with you without you getting hair in your face!

So we decided that I should just sleep with him and his friend in one room. Cuddling would be nice and okay.

They arrived on a Thursday morning and I had a test on Friday, so I could come just after the test. But in stead I decided to stop studying and go to Rotterdam to meet him. Still in my mind he was a very good friend. I could say my best friend, since I talk with him every day.

So I came to see him, and he was all by himself, because his friend was sleeping in the hotel, too tired to come yet.
I was afraid he would be very different from what he was like online. It was strange seeing him in real life. He was actually real! And soon I found out he was exactly the same as online, just as funny, smart, gentle, cute and all. We made jokes and laughed on our way to a bar I go to very often. And we sat there. Told each other we would have never thought to meet someone from (and for him, in) another country, who we met on chatroulette.

But we did. We hung out that night, drank some beers and my friend also came over. We went to her place, showed them some places in Rotterdam. We drank some beer in another place I used to go to and there I just kissed him. It just happened. Later my friend and I went home.

It was a nice day, and it was nice to know I was going tomorrow as well. With another friend. We should meet in a place to get some food.

And that weekend passed very quickly. I found out I started to fall in love with him. Since I know him so well as a friend and he is so nice to me and everyone.

When he left, I must admit I had nearly cried. I wouldn’t know when to see him again. He just seemed so perfect for me. And we messaged each other when he was back on the coach home.

Then another three months passed, till about 5 days ago. We talked again, every day. We wanted to see each other again, badly. We knew it was impossible for us to ever really be together. He came from England and I was from Holland, it would be too difficult. I am about to go to university for a long time. He still is in university, we can’t just leave a country to be together. We talked about it a lot, and cried a lot.

That’s when he asked me: ‘What if you just clicked next? Things maybe wouldn’t be this difficult.’

But we decided to meet again, and then stop it. Go on with our lives, meet someone nearby. He told me it was easy for me, because I’m beautiful, smart, nice, funny and everything. I just think I can be satisfied with someone else less gentle, sweet and loving than he is.

So we met again, 5 days ago, in a city called Utrecht. We were together this time, and we went to Amsterdam that morning by train, to meet some of my friends there and have a nice day.

We had so much fun. We slept together for 3 nights and were together 4 days. From Monday the 30th of December, 8.10 am until Tuesday the 2nd of January, 9.35 pm.

That was the saddest moment I’ve had in my entire life. You must leave someone who loves you. You love each other more than yourself and you have to leave one another because you can’t be together because this society won’t let us. Because both of us has to make a carreer as good as we can, which is for me, studying at least for 10 more years.

It’s good to know there’s someone on this planet who loves you the right way.

But it hurts so much when he’s too far away.

The message I got when he was on the coach home, and when I was on the bus home contained this:
‘My heart hurts a lot baby that I have to leave you again. You’re a beautiful person inside and out and you always will be I think about you a lot.’

And it made me cry, and it still makes me cry when I read it. Just as I copy pasted it from my messages to this story.

We might see each other again, we might not. We shall see. It’s just a waiting game.